If there is one thing I have learned in my short time on this earth, it’s that some things are unobtainable for good reason. But since you asked, and reassured me I can be as outlandish as I would like – this is what I’ll need, please and thanks.


  1. A bottle of ‘Pappy Van Winkle’ bourbon.
  2. Three people to make sure I don’t drink the entire bottle before the show.
  3. A specialist in ‘damage control’ in case those three people aren’t enough.
  4. Hydralite. Drinking a bottle of bourbon and wrestling three people is thirsty work.
  5. A mirror that never lies.
  6. Someone to explain to me why booze is always at the top of the list
  7. Another person to stop that person talking, and making up complicated names for my problems.
  8. A jaffle maker. And don’t be a smartarse and just give me the grill. I’ll need bread, butter, cheese and someone to make the actual toastie.
  9. More water and snacks for all these other people.
  10. Some damn privacy. My god, it’s a zoo around here.

Shiny Tacoma (single) is out today. Shiny Tacoma (EP) is out May 19 on Wheatley Records.

Paper Paradise by Glenn Wheatley (audiobook) is out May 19 throughWilkinson Publishing. The paperback edition is available now.

Preorder: Paper Paradise audiobook
Presave: Shiny Tacoma

Listen: Shiny Tacoma


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